In Dante’s Inferno, there is a statement that says, “The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.” In many a controversial situation, it’s possible for one to ask oneself, should I really be honest about my opinions, or should I just keep my mouth shut to avoid conflict? Now, let’s have a moment of truth here and agree that we’re all guilty of it. At some point in our lives, we’ve all lied or avoided speaking on a certain topic because we’re sick of the conflict. It’s an understandable action and can usually be categorized as a “little white lie”. I’ve had many situations in the past where I’ve told a white lie to avoid an argument. However, after being confronted with many unjust situations where I feel strongly about a subject, I’ve been wondering if I should stick to my guns anyway and voice my opinions or stick up for someone, even if it makes people unhappy.
It’s true that honesty is considered a good quality to possess. We live in a society that is supposed to value honesty in work, school, and relationships, but that doesn’t make it a reality. Now when I talk about real honesty, I don’t mean telling your friend her new three-sizes-too-small jeans are working for her; I’m talking about real, emotional honesty. So answer me honestly: have you ever suppressed an opinion or told a lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, to avoid confrontation or retaliation? Of course you have. We’re even encouraged to do so because it might be better for another person if they don’t know the truth. It might just be better for a person to live in blissful ignorance because they just can’t handle it, or because it’s too complicated.
Because I sometimes stretch the truth to avoid confrontation, there are situations where I’ve regretted not voicing an opinion or remaining neutral even on a subject that I feel strongly about. For example, I once had to attend a dinner with an old family friend I’ll call “Richard” who my family hasn’t seen in years. About twenty minutes into the dinner, I realized how incredibly rude and self-righteous Richard—a supposedly upstanding citizen—really was. He treated his family like dirt throughout the entire dinner and then went on to insult his wife at every opportunity. He even went so far as to make rude remarks about another friend of mine just because his family was different. The conversation got worse when Richard decided to start talking about politics. It’s not that I mind a political conversation, but some of the things he was saying were both racist and stereotypical.
The thing that annoyed me most about the situation was that as Richard prattled on, he was assuming that I felt the exact same way. I felt that I couldn’t just stand by and not say anything, but that’s exactly what I did. I wanted to stand up for my friends or even call him out on his behavior (because that obviously doesn’t happen very often), but I couldn’t and he complacently continued down his mental list of people and ideas to beat into a pulp with his “superior” intellect.
This sort of thing often happens to me when I’m feeling outnumbered, or if I’m feeling that what I say isn’t important. But I’ve realized that if I really want things to change, then I have to believe that telling a person how I honestly feel just might affect a person’s thinking or perspective. I’ve started to actually want to affect people’s thinking, rather than just start an argument for the heck of it. I want people to know more about my opinions than whatever preconceived assumptions they have already made.
Instead of adopting the saying “honesty is the best policy”, I prefer the statement, “Honesty is a question of right and wrong, not a matter of policy.” Honesty is all about perspective. It’s all about choosing the right time to be honest, and choosing the right time to keep quiet. It’s about voicing an opinion without challenging the validity of someone else’s opinion. Neutrality and diplomacy are two completely different things and I’m not always going to feel like staying in the middle. If I feel strongly about a subject, I’d much rather regret something I say, than regret saying nothing at all.