On Tuesday, March 29, an unsuspecting freshman student headed for the cafeteria at the wrong time, when a flock of rogue seagulls dive-bombed him from above, resulting in severe trauma and head injuries. The student, who prefers to remain anonymous due to emotional scarring, reported the event in spite of terror of retaliation from the rampant birds.

  “I just wanted a peanut butter sandwich,” the victim managed to comment, through wracking sobs. “The birds intentionally singled me out.”

  Local authorities and several teachers have reached the conclusion that the bird attack was a result of “fowl” play, and not a random act of violence. Students should take precautions against another attack and invest in recently patented seagull repellant–the act of disposing of trash into specified containers usually does the trick. Most importantly, never travel to the cafeteria alone.

  But there is a silver lining in all of this unfortunate hysteria… It’s April 1, and you’ve just been fooled!

APRIL FOOLS!