It was late one night in early February, and whilst I was reminiscing about my childhood traumas and regretting something dumb sh** I said 5 years ago, I solved the most complicated problem to be introduced to mankind since we learned the proper way to breathe without offending anyone. (The answer: Don’t)

Why are people refusing to vaccinate their children? Perhaps to give fuel to the Redditors who need this utmost lunacy to keep up on  that meme grind. Cause the jokes never get old… just like their children.

I like to imagine that the crusade began like this:

“Oh, no. Come hither, my brother Jaime,” said Cersei Lannister, who’s name is completely coincidental. “Our son Joffrey has returned from *whatever the medieval equivalent to the doctor is* and has *insert every developmental disorder known to man here,* what shall we do? The kingdom cannot know that we have incest-ed!”

Jaime, who was always the bright one, responded, “We shall blame the local healer, and spread the word that his methods are cursing our children with this plight, and then he shall be killed, as we are supreme beings and the livelihoods of others are completely expendable.” And then they laughed maniacally and ordered in a small child to dance for them while they threw coins at him.

Please support my GoFundMe to have this written into the show.

But other than creating a new barrier that divides the people from forming a perfect union, and making me question whether or not I’m dead set on this whole “living” thing, the anti-vaxxer cult did unveil a new martyr for which the Reddit community shall dedicate a statue to, and to whom one virgin will be sacrificed to every full moon.

Ethan Lindenberger of Norwalk, OH gained mass recognition in February 2019 when he so legendarily defied his non-doctor, anti-vaxxer mother, and got his vaccination at age eighteen. He now speaks at national campaigns regarding misinformation pertaining to vaccinations.

“According to the CDC, vaccines don’t cause autism and mercury is not this extremely dangerous substance and poison found in vaccines that some people like herself would claim. And her response was simply, that’s what they want you to think,” said Lindenberger, high school senior. “Some people can even compare vaccines to something like a seat belt. How would you love a child and deny them the safety of a seat belt?” Not the hero we wanted, but the hero we needed.

“To quote the anti-vaxxer community: ´Science is wrong! And you are wrong! Everybody is wrong but me!´” said freshman, Anissa Jara.

Now, this is the part where I’m supposed to present the opposing side of the argument, but I refuse, for the same reason I wouldn’t present both sides of a claim that a girl cutting her hair short makes her gay. There’s is just no purpose in discussing it.

“Remember that time you had polio and lost all mobility in your legs? No, you don’t, because your parents got you vaccinated!” said freshman, Zachary Coughlin.