It is very common for parents to want to oversee certain decisions their children make because they want the very best for them. Although this is okay there is a certain line that you can overstep as a parent. Making decisions for your child is not always necessary and can be very harmful. As a parent you should know when and when not to make decisions for your child.

What is the issue?

Controlling your child’s life for futile reasons such as what hobbies or sports they do is very wrong. Many parents of athletics often force their child into abandoning their previous hobbies to pursue one that means nothing to them but means a higher social status to their parents. This disregards all opinions and well-being of their child and will always have a negative impact. 

When a child has lost all control over their life, what are they left with? Nothing. Once you strip someone of their personality and free will they will feel as if they have nothing and it’s very hard for them to keep trudging through life with nothing to look forward to. Not only will you be ruining your relationship with your child but you will also be ruining their relationship with life.

In situations like this I have noted that it is mostly one parent being controlling while the other parent stands around and does nothing. 

While one parent may not be as controlling as their partner, most parents fail to step in when their counterpart is being over-controlling. Not stepping in is as much of a problem as taking complete control. By not stepping in as the second parent you are reassuring your partner that what they are doing is okay and has no consequences.

Diving into the effects 

Everyone I interviewed for this article preferred to stay anonymous for personal reasons but both are juniors at Pitman and shall be referred to as Junior 1 and Junior 2. They were asked both the same questions.

“How does your parent assert power over you?”

Junior 1: “I feel as if my mother has always tried to use her power over me by threatening me, like not letting me go out for the smallest reasons. She tries to control my interests and looks as well.”

Junior 2: “My parents have created a hierarchy between us, instead of us seeing eye to eye. They also tend to not let me speak my mind or express my feelings.”

“How does this affect you as a person?”

Junior 1: “I always feel scared and really nervous to ask anything of her. I don’t feel as close to her as I do to my dad because they parent differently. While I do believe discipline is important for a child, the way she handles stuff is not the best or nicest. Your child should feel safe with you and not feel scared of asking you for basic things or even being around.”

Junior 2: “It makes me feel less human and makes me think about my future because if I have kids I would not want to be like them at all and overall makes me feel so distant from them. I am like an ant caught in a water bubble, it’s impossible to escape that feeling of being lesser.”

“Why do you think they act like this, were they always like this?”

Junior 1: “I think my mother had me too young to really experience life and she did not have a really good childhood so she bases her parenting skills off that sometimes whether it’s conscious or not. She’s acted like this since I was little. It wasn’t as bad since I was scared to speak my mind but got worse with the change as I grew, especially since I am less “girly”.”

Junior 2: “I believe they do this because it is what they were shown as kids so they believe that’s how relationships between a parent and child should be. I also believe that it makes it easier for them because they don’t have to worry about what I think or say and I just do what they say. I think they were always like this but it started to show more as I grew and had my own thoughts and perspectives that didn’t agree with theirs.”

Once you become a parent you have a responsibility to create a safe and healthy environment for your children. No person should ever feel the way these two juniors have felt. Just because you provide your child with food and a roof over their head does not mean you are a good parent, that is below the bare minimum because you should be doing that and providing mental care to your child instead of controlling them for no other reason than to satisfy your selfish needs for power. 

Words to parents 

Understanding why this is happening is very important although it is not an excuse it is just an explanation. Maybe this behavior is just normal to you but it shouldn’t be, if your parents treated you like that maybe try remembering how you felt during the moments and even though you trudged through it, it still felt wrong and made you upset even if they used the same “excuse” of “that’s how I was raised”. Just think about how your kid must feel because of you. Yes, it will be hard breaking away from the generational trauma but it is possible you just have to take small steps and be open to it.